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THE WEEKLY WIPE

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Trip to Wendy's classified as productive

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December 13, 2007 | Issue 4-50

NILES, Ill. — Minutes after departing en route to a Wendy’s restaurant in suburban Chicago Tuesday, Kurt Singer, who last left his dwelling place in the garden level of his parents’ home on December 3, categorized the bacon cheeseburger-acquiring endeavor as an industrious activity.

 

According to Singer, who is currently unemployed but beginning to research how to become a movie critic, Tuesday’s productivity may just be the tip of a new-found industrious iceberg.

 

“Heck, if I can get myself out of bed and to Wendy’s by mid-afternoon, there may be a whole energetic side of me to explore,” said the 29-year-old, who routinely sustains himself through a rotation of microwaveable items ranging from Hot Pockets to generic brand mozzarella sticks. “Don’t get me wrong. This is something to ease into, but with some commitment I think a good stretch goal would be making it to McDonald’s in time for breakfast by the new year.”

 

The junior college graduate’s last fruitful venture outside his home, eight days prior to the Wendy’s journey, came when he borrowed his father’s car and drove to a nearby movie theater to watch the video-game-based movie Hitman.

 

“That was a good movie no matter what the critics say,” said Singer, a video game and movie aficionado. “I was out for about three hours that night, though. You can imagine how beat I was the next day. I couldn’t get out of bed until 2 p.m., but I had to force myself to get up for Law & Order on TNT. If I don’t keep some kind of schedule my life might begin to lose focus.”

 

Singer’s mother is hopeful her son will continue his recent pattern of leaving the house and looks forward to the day he finds a steady job. “I think Kurt is just in a strange place right now, and he will come out of it soon,” said Annette Singer, an attorney in downtown Chicago. “I’m hoping he will consider going back to school. He would make a great teacher.”

 

A former Blockbuster assistant manager, Singer left the company to pursue “something else” but has considered returning to the entertainment rental field to work as an independent consultant. He has found the current movie and gaming expert market to be a tough one so far.

 

“The big players just aren’t willing to invest in outside consultants right now,” said a despondent Singer. “Possibly when things settle down after the holidays they will begin to reassess their needs. I have a lot of knowledge when it comes to the movie and video game rental business. I single-handedly made Cube 2 a seven-time rental at my location.”

 

Singer said he intends to take it one step at a time, beginning with his goal of a McDonald’s breakfast and hopefully building up to searching for employment by mid-2008.

 

“Wait, McDonald’s still serves breakfast until 11:30, right?” asked Singer, doubting his ability to meet a breakfast cutoff time of 11 a.m., much less something as ridiculous as 10:30 a.m.

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