All the money in the world is great. The fame that comes with years spent as an NBA star is priceless. But no amount of fame or money will ever mean more to me than my love of situations resulting in unlawful use of firearms.

It’s true. Nothing beats the delight of a weapons conflict with gentlemen whom I childishly engage in vociferous and ardent debate. I’ve executed game winning shots and purchased eight Bentleys, but show my entourage and me an assembly of like-minded men willing to engage in unwarranted gunplay and my blood really starts to pump. (Hopefully not onto the sidewalk! But I jest.)

No I just can’t give up the sparkling thrill of a proper pistol mêlée. Of course, sometimes the side of my Bentley will incur bullet damage or one of my cohorts will suffer wounds at the hands of opposing gun wielders. But just perhaps I manage to deposit a lead projectile into one of my adversaries. Talk about a thrill!

It’s in this way that I stay young. It’s in this manner I keep my riches and celebrity in check. The moment I allow my success go to my head, I will have abandoned my past life of misdeeds.