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NEW YORK – This week America’s no-good, deceptive nurses once again falsely announced that children would barely feel a thing moments before agonizingly puncturing their skin with razor-sharp needles.

“This won’t hurt a bit,” declared a nation of misleading and callous health professionals as they heartlessly inflicted pain on various regions of patients’ epidermises.

Though young victims made their feelings known through shouts of “ouch,” winces of agony and an abundance of tears, the maniacal nurses issued a statement asserting that the horrific needle-inflicted pain “wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“This is just another scare tactic,” said a wounded eight-year-old Tyler Crowder, who is never going to the doctor’s office again. “I think parents may be working with the stupid nurses to propagate this fabrication.”

Meanwhile, nurses, who seem to have a particular hatred of the backs of arms, deny any such alliance and maintain that shots only sting for a moment at the most.

“The atrocities of shots ranks next to the torture inflicted by evil dentists,” Crowder said. “At the dentist, you can at least bite the doctor’s fingers, but nurses are too crafty to expose themselves to retaliation.”

In addition to suspicion of deceiving children about the looming pain of skin-destroying needles, nurses have also been implicated in malicious lies regarding waiting times and abundance of suckers.

“The last time I was [at the doctor’s office] the nurse told me if I was brave during the shot I would get a sucker when I left,” recalls Kayla Saffel, a sever-year-old dollhouse manager. “Then they were out of suckers and they gave me an eraser that fits on top of a pencil.”

“How long will we continue to fall for their lies?” added Crowder.