by Jack Stellar, Hydraulic lift salesman

Can you believe I’m doing this? Clearly, there is no good reason for anyone to be shading his eyes right now. It’s dark, and this is a wedding reception. But do you see what I’m doing? How extraordinarily ironic that I am wearing sunglasses now. I mean, who does this?

I’ll tell you who: someone Stellar.

Can you imagine when people look at these pictures? It’s gonna be awesome because they’ll be like, ‘who’s that guy in the sunglasses,’ but then they’ll go, ‘oh that’s just Jack being crazy.’

WRONG! It’s Jack being Stellar. I really am a wild man, you know. You should see the amount of booze I snuck into this reception. It’s always a par-tay when ol’ J.S. is around. Turns out bringing all this was a bit unnecessary with the open bar and all, but I didn’t technically receive an invitation, so that was difficult to judge.

This is probably the greatest thing I’ve ever done. Well, I’m not counting that time I painted my upper body to look like a basketball jersey in the Sigma Pi fan section back in college. You know some people actually thought I had a real jersey on. Ha! Of course, it turns out I accidentally painted the opposing teams color onto my body, but I don’t think that really diminished the hilarity.

Man, in these shades, I bet the ladies have been staring at me all night. I haven’t really seen them. When they lowered the lights it actually got quite dark in here. The only things I’m really able to see are my Swatch, which is informing me the time is 12 past party, and my full-blown awesomeness. I’m just so Stellar, and I respect that.