Never, under any circumstances, should a human being wear a fanny
pack (a.k.a. “Hip Pouch” a.k.a. “Kangaroo Pocket” a.k.a. “Visual
Vomit”).
These little synthetic nylon nightmares hang limply under the baby
fat of married, middle-aged women touting their little monster
children around a Six Flags. These women will scream and swear over
the practicality of these cloth abscesses, proclaiming, “They’re
good for storing keys and loose cash and sun tan lotion and diapers
and Nalgene bottles and small infants and blah blah blah…”
Um, yeah, maybe so, but have you SEEN them? They’re uglier than
Sandra Oh, people, and the number one rule of fashion is that you
don’t sacrifice beauty for expediency. If you’re toting around
children, one alternative is to dress them in cargo shorts for a day
on the run. That’s like eight extra pockets right there. Per
child. Plus, men are instinctive carriers of stuff, so they can
hold onto important things like keys and credit cards. Women should
generally try to refrain from putting anything in their pockets (or
in pockets in pouches resting on the permanently swollen bump where
their children came out), because maintaining one’s curves is
certainly high priority.
To combat this faux pas, I would suggest stiletto heels and some
sort of sheer top, vibrant and porous for a warm day at an amusement
park. Maybe something delicately sequined. Short, pleated skirts
are good in the summer for showing off your legs, and with the right
draft you can allow the boys a quick peek at your undercarriage (but
just a peek—the radio doesn’t play the whole album, right?). In
this case, a thong would be the wisest choice for your lingerie.
Men love thongs.
Just remember, next time you’re at Disneyworld, Cedar Point, or Six
Flags keep your fashion in order, and don’t do anything to risk
messing up all the hard work you’ll put into sexyfying for
yourself. One last tip: high winds are bad for a good hair day, so
don’t, under any circumstances, actually ride a roller
coaster. The only thing dumber than that would be strapping on a hip
pack and pooping out some babies.
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Fanny
packs a roller coaster of bad taste
