Tornadoes
and wildfires will maliciously kill us all
by Phillip Monroe, Channel 7 News Anchor
Many of you have written in and expressed concern over all these
tornadoes and wildfires, wondering if you will fall victim to one or
the other. Well, let me tell you there is no reason to worry because
tornadoes and wildfires are going to kill us all soon, and there is
no use in worrying because you can’t do anything about it.
Especially don’t concern yourself with the fear of which calamity
will strike you down. Wildfires and tornadoes are working in tandem,
and you will be annihilated by a furious and fiery cyclone.
Oh, don’t cry, son. Haven’t you seen the news? These raging fire
twisters will only save you from falling victim to a car bomb,
drive-by, or starvation as the result of a depleting honeybee
population. Now those are rough ways to go.
No, it will not be long now. After a regular tornado killed 12,000
people in a town of 1,500 residents, just think what that giant
flaming cyclone will do to you. The last report to make it to this
station indicated the tornadoes flames could be seen for 11 miles
and the storm had grown to 72 miles wide. Of course, these are just
eyewitness reports, probably from a very distraught person moments
before a blazing, inescapable death.
Wow! I’m looking at footage coming in from someone with a cell phone
video camera close to the storm, which is now slightly larger than
South Dakota. Oh, he’s going to try climbing under that overpass.
Ha. Better make sure there is a portal to another dimension under
there, pal, because you’re toast otherwise. Oh…here we go…Oh no!
Well, we have lost the feed of that exclusive video. Remember, you
saw it first on Channel 7 Action News.
This is Phillip Monroe. To all still living: Enjoy your evening!
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