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March 8, 2007 | Issue 4-15

You’ve seen me report on the many murders and violent crimes each night on the Channel 7 Action News, and you will likely be the victim of a violent crime in the very near future as well. Most of you probably realize this and can see the message written in blood on the wall.

Sure, nobody wants to be the tragic victim in a random violent crime for the benefit of another’s criminal thrills. But the sooner we realize it’s going to happen, the more fear we will inspire. Scared? Of course you’re scared. I practically quiver in terror every night my acute soothing voice poetically conveys each double homicide, serial killer strike, or one of the many drug-crazed maniacs running around killing people for hair clippings.

These are tumultuous times—tragic, even. I think we can all agree that sooner or later each of us will be stabbed, shot or bludgeoned to death. It seems even the violent criminals themselves can’t escape the imminent brutal downfalls we all shall suffer. I can’t tell you how many times I report a murder only to find the deceased was in fact a killer himself.

No one is safe, no matter whom or where we are. We all face an unavoidable conclusion resulting from a well-timed ax to the skull. Or maybe it will be one of the many snipers just waiting to pick off someone from atop a building. You think moving to the countryside will help you? Wrong. That’s where the real weirdos are.

If it wasn’t bad enough already, it seems your children are especially at risk to be victims of a horrific crime. It’s possible that when you dropped them off at school this morning, you saw them for the last time. Well, alive anyway.

My advice must be to simply keep living the small amount of life you have left. Don’t worry. When you meet your tragic demise, I’ll pronounce your name with dignity and accuracy on the Channel 7 Action News.

This is Phillip Monroe. To all still living, enjoy your evening.