However, one particular issue still haunts me each day, and it seems I am the only American truly concerned about the senseless deaths it causes. I now urge others to join me so that men, women, and children will stop dying from my shotgun after inconsiderately walking across my perfectly manicured lawn.

Sometimes it is difficult to know why society ignores certain ills. To me this one is obvious, but that may just be my perspective as gunman and body remover. But I do leave the bodies out there for a few hours so others will be exposed to the cruel reality this problem poses to humanity. Heck, to lawns even.

And you could say, as some have, that I exacerbate the outcome by actually pulling the trigger eight or nine times, but I think that stance simply ignores the deeper-seeded issue. And speaking of deep-seeded, my lawn is delicately planted with rare Bermuda grass seeds that can not be treaded upon, less they emerge from the ground with hardly any vigor at all.