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Pictured: Rich executives celebrate the bailout's complete success at the Nasdaq market

WASHINGTON – The White House and Department of the Treasury announced jointly today that the financial bailout plan meant to rejuvenate the nation’s economy through $700 billion in lending to financial institution has worked, and Americans may now go about their lives without fear of a total financial meltdown.

“We urge all citizens to purchase in excess this holiday season, free from worry over news of a 16-year jobless high, which is only a minor correction in the economy,” said Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, who added that small business owners should not worry about difficulty in securing loans, as it will take a few weeks for the wholly successful bailout to be fully felt at that level.

With more Americans filing for unemployment benefits than at any point in history and home mortgage foreclosures at an all-time high, the news that the American economy is back in robust form is welcome news.

“I’m just so glad all of this is over with,” said Tammy Holthaus, who lost her job as a factory line worker three months ago. “I didn’t have any way to pay the mortgage this month, but it sounds like everything should be fine now.”

Holthaus is not alone in her relief, as many unemployed Americans flocked to stores on news the bailout succeeded.

Some remain unjustly skeptical over the announcement the bailout has succeeded completely, give under half of the bailout plan’s $700 billion has been spent and Congress is currently considering issuing a bailout to the US auto industry.

“I wouldn’t worry about all that,” said President Bush of the bailout procedures. “Those are all just a bunch of numbers I let all those pencil pushers deal with. The American citizen doesn’t need to worry about all those … figures, but just get out there and go about their Christmas shopping, knowing that we’re doing everything possible to rid the world of terrorism.”

Despite the president’s upbeat tone, killjoy President-Elect Barack Obama addressed the nation with a less enthusiastic manner, saying the road to economic recovery would be long, and there remained much work to lift the economy to its previous state.

“I don’t know why that Obama has to say those things,” said Holthaus, who preferred President Bush’s optimistic message. “Why can’t he just tell me everything is fine like all the others?”

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