en-us The satire news site. http://thegiantnapkin.com From ruggedly handsome looks to exemplary thespian ability, area carpenter Mike Kirkbride has repeatedly and incorrectly likened himself to every aspect of television star Josh Holloway, according to friends, family and coworkers of the 33-year-old father of two. http://thegiantnapkin.com/area_man_incorrectly_compares_self.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/area_man_incorrectly_compares_self.htm After embarking upon an expedition that began via oral entry into a human esophagus, an area McGriddle breakfast sandwich has finally completed its long, onerous voyage through local woman Randy Messner's gastrointestinal tract. http://thegiantnapkin.com/mcgriddle_completes_arduous_twoweek_journey.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/mcgriddle_completes_arduous_twoweek_journey.htm Despite lofty plans aimed at leaving the house to purchase a newspaper and peruse it for potential jobs, Gary Linkler's sincere desire to become employed and his best intentions at doing so were incapacitated by a four-hour marathon of police-based reality show Cops airing this afternoon on the Fox Reality channel. http://thegiantnapkin.com/plan_to_turn_life_around.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/plan_to_turn_life_around.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/homeless_mans_grayscale.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/homeless_mans_grayscale.htm On the top seeds dominating the NCAA Tournament http://thegiantnapkin.com/word_on_the_street03242009.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/word_on_the_street03242009.htm In a 9-0 decision handed down Tuesday, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled non-starch polysaccharides to be an essential component to a healthy diet, marking the first time the court has ruled on digestive regulation. http://thegiantnapkin.com/in_unanimous_opinion.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/in_unanimous_opinion.htm The White House and Department of the Treasury announced jointly today that the financial bailout plan meant to rejuvenate the nation's economy through $700 billion in lending to financial institution has worked, and Americans may now go about their lives without fear of a total financial meltdown. http://thegiantnapkin.com/financial_bailout_worked_already.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/financial_bailout_worked_already.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/curiosity_trevor_kill_cat.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/curiosity_trevor_kill_cat.htm Cops Can't Find Sober Driver For Child http://thegiantnapkin.com/word_on_the_street11182008.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/word_on_the_street11182008.htm Despite the common myth that the once-rampant visual aid has mostly died out, the new 42-week study shows clip art still exists in a variety of strains, which could become full-blown epidemics at any time. http://thegiantnapkin.com/clip_art_still_around.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/clip_art_still_around.htm Husband's Coffin Kills Wife On Way To Funeral http://thegiantnapkin.com/word_on_the_street11112008.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/word_on_the_street11112008.htm Woman keeps candy from Obama supporters http://thegiantnapkin.com/word_on_the_street11032008.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/word_on_the_street11032008.htm Baby Named Sarah McCain Palin http://thegiantnapkin.com/word_on_the_street10162008.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/word_on_the_street10162008.htm From jumping on furniture to throwing seedless grapes, McGeary says it is clear that Kiley, 5, is entrenching herself into a competition for dominance of attention in order to win the most adoration from her parents, Cliff and Anna McGeary. http://thegiantnapkin.com/little_sister_making_machiavellian.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/little_sister_making_machiavellian.htm The giant atom smasher operated without ending life on the planet. Instead, it created a series of virtual black holes that enveloped and destroyed the tenets of a once-active world of doomsday blogs. http://thegiantnapkin.com/large_hadron_collider_spurs.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/large_hadron_collider_spurs.htm Clay Aiken comes out as Clay Aiken http://thegiantnapkin.com/famous_singer_comes_out_as_clay_aiken.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/famous_singer_comes_out_as_clay_aiken.htm The team has sent an official request to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell asking for extra days in which to prepare for the opposition's defensive patterns, running game, passing attack, special teams formations, blitz packages, and overall athletic superiority. http://thegiantnapkin.com/st_louis_rams_ask.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/st_louis_rams_ask.htm The lovable Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA) climbed a tremendously cute four points today, following yesterday's less endearing 161-point fall. http://thegiantnapkin.com/adorable_dow_jones_surges.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/adorable_dow_jones_surges.htm What do you think of David Blaine's new stunt? http://thegiantnapkin.com/word_on_the_street09232008.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/word_on_the_street09232008.htm Kidd, who stuck his hand into the path of Chinese point guard Yi Jianlian's crossover dribble in the second quarter, knocked the ball away in what most spectators described as a particularly mean gesture and proceeded to score an unchallenged two points at the other end of the court to put the United States up ten points. http://thegiantnapkin.com/jason_kidd_feels_guilty_entire.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/jason_kidd_feels_guilty_entire.htm Approximately 34 million boyfriends tuned in with 33 million girlfriends and 1 million boyfriends to cheer on the United States women, who advanced to the finals, where they are expected to compete with China for the gold and occupy the Wednesday nights of the nation's population of swains. http://thegiantnapkin.com/nations_boyfriends_watch.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/nations_boyfriends_watch.htm President Bush addressed the nation this morning to preemptively seek forgiveness over unspecified forthcoming events. http://thegiantnapkin.com/bush_issues_ominous.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/bush_issues_ominous.htm The US 30km record holder and Colorado native split his pre-Olympic workouts between Foothills Mall in Fort Collins and Greeley Mall in Greeley, preferring the latter on weekends. http://thegiantnapkin.com/20km_walker_owes_endurance.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/20km_walker_owes_endurance.htm If you could add an event to this summer's Olympic games in Beijing, what would it be? http://thegiantnapkin.com/word_on_the_street08122008.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/word_on_the_street08122008.htm In the past, noted Howard, his girlfriend has also benefited from extraordinarily good fortune as a first-time player of foosball, billiards, Trivial Pursuit, darts, and Nintendo Wii. http://thegiantnapkin.com/girlfriend_better_at_bowling.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/girlfriend_better_at_bowling.htm Signs along I-696, which Cherilus erroneously believed to be affiliated with his team, advertised the wildlife taming experience to motorists. http://thegiantnapkin.com/detroit_rookie_mistakenly_reports.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/detroit_rookie_mistakenly_reports.htm While seemingly in need of much more to remedy his current situation, an area homeless man announced to passersby Monday that he "only needed 25 cents." http://thegiantnapkin.com/homeless_mans_problems.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/homeless_mans_problems.htm Tom Brokaw finally introduces nation to Barack Obama http://thegiantnapkin.com/tom_brokaw_finally_introduces.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/tom_brokaw_finally_introduces.htm Fairgoers young and old, male and female, poor and poorer alike have been lining up for a first, and often second and third, taste of the fried sponge cake phenomenon. http://thegiantnapkin.com/addition_of_fried_twinkie_stand.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/addition_of_fried_twinkie_stand.htm A sharp increase in barrel prices on Wednesday sent oil prices climbing and sent shudders through anxious financial markets already worried about the prospect of a global economic slowdown. http://thegiantnapkin.com/decreased_barrel_production.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/decreased_barrel_production.htm Men wearing all white clothing aggressively struck fuzzy, yellow balls with a sort of stringed racquets yesterday in what many are calling tennis. http://thegiantnapkin.com/man_dressed_in_white_hits_yellow.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/man_dressed_in_white_hits_yellow.htm Lost Bill Buckner footage to be erred http://thegiantnapkin.com/lost_bill_buckner_footage_to_be.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/lost_bill_buckner_footage_to_be.htm It's The Minute Or So Long News with Foster Pierce http://thegiantnapkin.com/man_dressed_in_white_hits_yellow.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/man_dressed_in_white_hits_yellow.htm Citing reasons ranging from "because they're dorkwads" to "we're cooler," Best Buy bullies forcibly told Geek Squad employees earlier this week they would have to work on July 4th "or else." http://thegiantnapkin.com/best_buy_bullies_to_make.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/best_buy_bullies_to_make.htm While authorities believe there are others responsible in the shooting who physically pointed the cameras and carried out the massacre, Myers is believed to be the mastermind behind the atrocious effort that left one movie dead and dozens of innocent moviegoers severely injured. http://thegiantnapkin.com/suspect_named_in_shooting.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/suspect_named_in_shooting.htm While the new research suggests a strong link between people who experience self-doubt and traumatic childhood occurrences of verbal abuse, the report was quick to point out that the researchers involved have never been very good at experimentation, and they probably should have asked their boyfriends for help. http://thegiantnapkin.com/new_study_on_self.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/new_study_on_self.htm Tejada has argued that the base stealing has not helped resolve the National League's winless record since 1996. He wants to remove all speed from the bases in favor of an increased power presence at the plate, but he has said that if the American League fortifies its catcher position, he would keep speed in the starting lineup or on the bench to carry out "targeted steals." http://thegiantnapkin.com/allstar_voters_split_on_ramirez.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/allstar_voters_split_on_ramirez.htm Black man Bill Clinton has endorsed Muslim politician Barack Obama for president. http://thegiantnapkin.com/black_man_endorses_muslim.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/black_man_endorses_muslim.htm It seems like each day they come up with even more off the wall, screwball ways to slip themselves into the final moments of our 10 o’clock show. http://thegiantnapkin.com/those_madcap_zimbabwean.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/those_madcap_zimbabwean.htm A hopelessly alive Ava Rudweiller, whose body was found badly altered by dark, dramatic makeup and dyed black hair, was discovered Wednesday evening after police were called to the family's one-story home in the city's West End by concerned neighbors to investigate the young woman's gloomily-clothed appearance and silently-audible shouts of a forlorn soul. http://thegiantnapkin.com/mother_charged_in_area_teens_life.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/mother_charged_in_area_teens_life.htm Mason, who before the accident spent the majority of his time playing video games, watching television, and unenthusiastically seeking work as an actor has been able to continue doing the things he loves, despite being bound to a wheelchair. http://thegiantnapkin.com/loss_of_legs_poses_no_immediate.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/loss_of_legs_poses_no_immediate.htm A new video shows Kobe Bryant leaping over a pool of rape allegations. It's The Minute Or So Long News with Foster Pierce. http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_new_video_surfaces_showing.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_new_video_surfaces_showing.htm Rioting that broke out late Wednesday night in Detroit, moments after the Detroit Red Wings claimed the Stanly Cup by defeating the Pittsburgh Penguins 3-2 in the sixth game of the finals, was entirely unconnected to the city’s new hockey title. http://thegiantnapkin.com/detroit_riots_following_red_wings.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/detroit_riots_following_red_wings.htm Karback, who has worked as a welding specialist for 35 years in nearby Waukegan, said he had never been to the 123-acre theme park, despite living less than five miles away. http://thegiantnapkin.com/trip_to_six_flags_happiest.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/trip_to_six_flags_happiest.htm This week America's no-good, deceptive nurses once again falsely announced that children would barely feel a thing moments before agonizingly puncturing their skin with razor-sharp needles. http://thegiantnapkin.com/this_wont_hurt_a_bit.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/this_wont_hurt_a_bit.htm The new store encompasses an impressive 135 square miles in northern Texas, offering one-time Lubbock inhabitants a brand new, state of the art facility for value shopping. http://thegiantnapkin.com/lubbock_tx_replaced_by.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/lubbock_tx_replaced_by.htm Remember how in that movie Old School there was that awesome character Frank "The Tank" who pretty much made the movie with his hilarious antics. Technically, he wasn't the star, but try to envision that boring plot without Ferrell's alcohol-induced naked romp or fantastic use of tranquilizer darts. http://thegiantnapkin.com/maybe_its_just_me.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/maybe_its_just_me.htm Lung cancer patient Sarah McElroy gratuitously purchased a 100-ounce container of laundry detergent this week, just hours after doctors told her she would not live more than 30 days. http://thegiantnapkin.com/cancer_patient_unnecessarily.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/cancer_patient_unnecessarily.htm DETROIT – Following a hard check from Detroit Red Wings defenseman Derek Meech, Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby quickly retaliated to the rough play by telling his dad how he thought Meech illegally checked him. http://thegiantnapkin.com/sidney_crosby_tells_dad.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/sidney_crosby_tells_dad.htm New research published this week that examines the aggregate results of more than 100 obesity-related studies shows a strong correlation between obesity and faceless photography. http://thegiantnapkin.com/studies_link_obesity.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/studies_link_obesity.htm The rising national price of hot wings has sparked fear among American voters, especially those in Indiana, where citizens rely heavily on the food as a fuel for after-work activity. http://thegiantnapkin.com/beer_with_voters_reveals.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/beer_with_voters_reveals.htm After an evening of alcoholic consumption, the University of Illinois junior spent the early Sunday hours of 2 a.m. to 7 a.m. investigating cast interviews, behind-the-scenes narration, and hilarious outtakes at a high volume, according to roommate Dave Mathias. http://thegiantnapkin.com/five_hours_of_dvd_bonus_features.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/five_hours_of_dvd_bonus_features.htm A power runner who in the past plowed over would-be tacklers, Benson did not show much progress of returning to a back able to gain yards after an initial hit following his performance this week. http://thegiantnapkin.com/cedric_benson_unable_to_fight.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/cedric_benson_unable_to_fight.htm A town cop is through playing games. It's The Minute Or So Long News with Foster Pierce. http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_town_cop_through_playing_games.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_town_cop_through_playing_games.htm The Department of Homeland Security this week placed the Gwinnett County Fair at the top of a list of possible domestic locations for a person or group to carry out an act of Tarot. http://thegiantnapkin.com/county_fair_placed_atop_tarot.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/county_fair_placed_atop_tarot.htm Items traced back to a Cracker Barrel in Mattoon include a cup and saucer set, a ceramic lamp, and a heart-shaped birdhouse, all American flag-themed. http://thegiantnapkin.com/half_of_items_in_womans.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/half_of_items_in_womans.htm Fry's shot went unnoticed for nearly a minute as both race participants and onlookers believed the round from his sawed-off shotgun to be the race's commencement. http://thegiantnapkin.com/school_shooter_inadvertently.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/school_shooter_inadvertently.htm The search for a weird smell enters its second day. It's The Minute Or So Long News with Foster Pierce. http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_search_for_weird_smell.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_search_for_weird_smell.htm While local sanitation worker Gary Hodges endures a low-paying, unpleasant job day after day only to come home every night smelling like refuse, he made note Tuesday that the lifestyle of a man in a shirt and tie getting into a BMW sports car appeared enjoyable. http://thegiantnapkin.com/must_be_nice.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/must_be_nice.htm Blue's untimely departure may have been the result of a long-term relationship that became serious in 2002 and developed into full-blown marriage almost three years ago, leading to a severely altered lifestyle for the former sports fan and one-time independent thinker. http://thegiantnapkin.com/27year_old_man.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/27year_old_man.htm An Olympic torch relay staged by rogue torchbearers weaved defiantly through San Francisco’s streets Wednesday, disrupting the ages-old tradition of protests in The City by the Bay. http://thegiantnapkin.com/san_francisco_protests.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/san_francisco_protests.htm An aspiring comedian announces his intentions to write that down. It's The Minute Or So Long News with Foster Pierce. http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_aspiring_comedian_announces.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_aspiring_comedian_announces.htm A 22-year-old man caused a multiple-letter pileup yesterday afternoon after attempting to drive his car while sending a text message. http://thegiantnapkin.com/driving_text_messenger_causes.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/driving_text_messenger_causes.htm Police suspect the 34-year-old Fort Wayne resident then took captive his potential to do great things in life and at least four members of the Braden family, who reside next door to Sanchez on the city's north side. http://thegiantnapkin.com/area_man_holds_inner_happiness.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/area_man_holds_inner_happiness.htm Local mother Nancy Culberson inappropriately incorporated the name of popular search engine Google and what she believes to be its popularly accepted uses into her vernacular this week, unleashing a barrage of nonsensical phrases and embarrassing mom-invented jargon. http://thegiantnapkin.com/mother_incorrectly_assimilates.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/mother_incorrectly_assimilates.htm An African tribesman only reads National Geographic for the articles. It's The Minute Or So Long News with Foster Pierce. http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_african_tribesman_only_reads.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_african_tribesman_only_reads.htm Despite his team losing in the NCAA semi-finals, Tyler Hansbrough improbably snatched up 12 loose balls in Monday night's championship game between the Kansas Jayhawks and Memphis Tigers. http://thegiantnapkin.com/tyler_hansbrough_remarkably.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/tyler_hansbrough_remarkably.htm Despite your greatest attempts at logical analysis of a seemingly flawed business investment opportunity, your neighbor assures you this thing is no scam and that he in fact knows a guy who got filthy rich doing it. http://thegiantnapkin.com/neighbor_honest_to_god.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/neighbor_honest_to_god.htm We both have Algebra class during 4th hour. Yours is 7th period. Did you really think you could continue on with that charade of a relationship, only seeing each other during the brief moments in between classes? http://thegiantnapkin.com/look_brad_lindsey.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/look_brad_lindsey.htm The junior political science major almost went to complain to the store's staff after the first eight seconds without Wi-Fi but instead decided to make extra noise by left-clicking his browser's refresh button from a height of two feet and frequently rolling his eyes to a cadence of loud exhales until his signal was restored. http://thegiantnapkin.com/12second_wifi_interruption.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/12second_wifi_interruption.htm From declarations like "Your shoe is untied" to a more rabble-rousing "Your wife is dead, Jim," the majority of Pinkston's dialogue today has been and will continue to be propagated for his unyielding desire to shout "April Fools." http://thegiantnapkin.com/april_fools_exclaims_local_man.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/april_fools_exclaims_local_man.htm An Easter Sunday reenactment went awry last Sunday when first-time church actor Bill Hughes incorrectly nailed to a cross the actor playing the role of Pontias Pilate. http://thegiantnapkin.com/inexperienced_church_actor.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/inexperienced_church_actor.htm A regional sales rep has plenty more notepads if you need any. It's The Minute Or So Long News with Foster Pierce. http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_regional_sales_rep_has_plenty.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_regional_sales_rep_has_plenty.htm Just in time, baseball's opening day arrived Monday to remind fans that not every sport is crammed with gratuitously enthralling storylines, absurdly thrilling moments, and unreasonably short game lengths. http://thegiantnapkin.com/baseball_rescues_nation.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/baseball_rescues_nation.htm On Tuesday, U.S. Director of National Intelligence John Michael McConnell acknowledged publicly for the first time that several members of the agency leaked at least portions of Arabica Espresso Roast and Breakfast Blend during a period from June 2006 to April 2007. http://thegiantnapkin.com/investigation_exposes_numerous.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/investigation_exposes_numerous.htm A poetry reading audience is comprise entirely of family members. It's The Minute Or So Long News with Foster Pierce http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_poetry_reading_audience.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_poetry_reading_audience.htm Though raised under the teachings of intellectualistic dental hygiene, Flowers began to break away from the Unitarian stance that there is only one true way to floss and explored tooth maintenance that came from his inner mental essence. http://thegiantnapkin.com/transcendental_hygienist_urges.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/transcendental_hygienist_urges.htm I don't think it hurts his chances in the general election at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure some former congresswoman, Ferraro I think, even said the fact that Obama is black has helped him get where he is. So chalk black up to super! http://thegiantnapkin.com/sarahmorrison03202008.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/sarahmorrison03202008.htm Although Hutchins briefly considered planting corn in the field just a skinned knee past the Smithton place, the 64-year-old agriculturist instead opted for the ground over yonder just before the bottoms, citing its fresh-for-the-pickin' soil. http://thegiantnapkin.com/corn_to_be_planted_in_that_there.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/corn_to_be_planted_in_that_there.htm ESPN analyst Doug Gottlieb placed Neitzel on his Top 12 Under 12 list before the season began and said the MSU star has not let him down. http://thegiantnapkin.com/drew_neitzel.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/drew_neitzel.htm When Taco Bell abandoned Lincoln, many in the community raised questions about what would occupy the empty building and where they would go for an authentic Mexican food experience, but the opening of a Taco Bell restaurant in the former Taco Bell building figures to quell those concerns. http://thegiantnapkin.com/taco_bell_to_open_new_location.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/taco_bell_to_open_new_location.htm The nine-time Pro Bowler failed to notice the Giants defenseman lurking near the middle of the room, and Johnson snatched Favre's weakly tossed opening line away from members of the press. http://thegiantnapkin.com/favre_retirement_speech.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/favre_retirement_speech.htm A public fountain is desecrated again. It's The Minute Or So Long News with Foster Pierce. http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_public_fountain_desecrated.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_public_fountain_desecrated.htm Kinney formed a detracting force with other eighth-graders that he described as "something not even a coordinate covalent bond could bring together." http://thegiantnapkin.com/eighth_grade_scientist.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/eighth_grade_scientist.htm Have you read those other books that tout win-win as this euphoric decision-making process in which everyone involved walks away feeling good about the outcome and fully supportive of its action plan? You have, haven't you? http://thegiantnapkin.com/radcliffe_problem_with_win.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radcliffe_problem_with_win.htm Other researchers report feeling as if they are experimenting in total isolation from their data and are unable to bridge the bottomless correlation gap. http://thegiantnapkin.com/suicide_researchers_wonder.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/suicide_researchers_wonder.htm A '60 Minutes' staff writer described the newly released fragrance as a bouquet of intestinal gas, Old English hair tonic, and coffee-laden sweat. http://thegiantnapkin.com/andy_rooney_inadvertently.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/andy_rooney_inadvertently.htm That funny thing just said is totally going on the quote board. It's The Minute Or So Long News with Foster Pierce. http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_funny_thing_just_said.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_funny_thing_just_said.htm The ever-cute Ford Motor Company announced in a press conference today that the corporation is still making automobiles and even trying to sell them through a network of dealerships. http://thegiantnapkin.com/adorable_ford_still_making_cars.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/adorable_ford_still_making_cars.htm Unless other preventative action is taken, the intrusive show will barrage Howell with four episodes over a two-hour span, causing harsh cultural confusion and possible changes in speech. http://thegiantnapkin.com/missing_remote_poses.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/missing_remote_poses.htm Kobe Bryant was one of a handful of NBA players who traveled during All-Star weekend to New Orleans neighborhoods still in need of new, structurally sound media appearances. http://thegiantnapkin.com/kobe_bryant_works_to_revitalize.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/kobe_bryant_works_to_revitalize.htm Police were unable find any clues as to the whereabouts of seven missing Sheldon residents when they searched the woods along the Missisquoi River and Route 105 just outside of Sheldon, where Ross skillfully stowed the corpses of randomly selected townspeople. http://thegiantnapkin.com/victims_bodies_to_go.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/victims_bodies_to_go.htm Amtrak operates anywhere from 1,000 to 1,500 trains each day carrying an average of 0.03 passengers each. The bulk of Amtrak’s business derives from two business travelers who regularly take a train from Chicago to St. Louis, and the company is committed to doing whatever it takes to keep them safe. http://thegiantnapkin.com/amtrak_boosts_security.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/amtrak_boosts_security.htm A source close to the coaching staff at Indiana University said on Wednesday that Kelvin Sampson phoned university president Michael McRobbie 577 times to submit his resignation and tried to conceal all but one of those calls. http://thegiantnapkin.com/source_kelvin_sampson.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/source_kelvin_sampson.htm Why can't people understand that if you want to sit down and play, you have to be prepared to do it the right way? Otherwise, it's just throwing your money away. http://thegiantnapkin.com/stellar02212008.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/stellar02212008.htm FFLS cites various reports and resources, such as FBND and The ERHKCN standard, as supporting evidence of the ACR effect. http://thegiantnapkin.com/acronyms_give_greater.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/acronyms_give_greater.htm RIM, apologizing for the inconvenience, assured everyone that no annoyance or offensiveness was lost, but rather stored in a queue during the outage and released upon the public once service was restored. http://thegiantnapkin.com/blackberry_outage_renders.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/blackberry_outage_renders.htm A ruptured gas line was blamed Tuesday in an explosion that leveled a pastry shop, leaving at least six city blocks deliciously covered in sugar-coated flakes and creamy gourmet filling. http://thegiantnapkin.com/pastry_shop_explosion.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/pastry_shop_explosion.htm A group of very popular children told Riley to meet them at 4 p.m. today in Jefferson Park, where the children who once showed dislike for the often-ridiculed Riley are sure to show up to hang out with him within a matter of minutes. http://thegiantnapkin.com/friends_to_definitely_get_here.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/friends_to_definitely_get_here.htm A conversation that began when Howler, the Phoenix Coyotes mascot, approached a young fan is becoming generally uncomfortable entering its fourth minute, according to parents and nearby spectators. http://thegiantnapkin.com/conversation_with_mascot.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/conversation_with_mascot.htm Early this morning the previously inconsequential blizzard entered the region and is expected to produce record amounts of significance over the Northeast. http://thegiantnapkin.com/midwest_snow_storm.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/midwest_snow_storm.htm A Gilmore Girls box set is hidden in a doorbell-induced panic. It's The Minute Or So Long News with Foster Pierce. http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_gilmore_girls_box_set.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_gilmore_girls_box_set.htm Buckley, 28, regularly visits the store to browse its selection of graphic novels, often for hours at a time. However, the part-time Best Buy cashier worries he will not enjoy the same coveted privacy while exploring the Japanese-illustrated adventures he once did. http://thegiantnapkin.com/manga_enthusiast_wishes.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/manga_enthusiast_wishes.htm First-time voter Nick Bradham entered his 25th precinct voting location in Chicago’s 25th Ward Tuesday knowing exactly how he was going to vote in the Illinois Democratic presidential primary... http://thegiantnapkin.com/voter_had_no_idea.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/voter_had_no_idea.htm A New York Giants Super Bowl victory celebration parade made its way through an unprepared and unsuspecting Lower Manhattan Tuesday after city officials failed to prepare for such an event. http://thegiantnapkin.com/new_york_city_pretty_unprepared.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/new_york_city_pretty_unprepared.htm An area appliance store might as well be giving this stuff away. It's The Minute Or So Long News with Foster Pierce. http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_appliance_store.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_appliance_store.htm After days of conflicting reports this week, it was revealed that the roller rink out by Route 19 is still there. According to Jerry Kiser, the old roller rink building is still standing and appears to be open for business, shooting down reports from family members that it had been bulldozed several years ago. http://thegiantnapkin.com/roller_rink_still_out_there.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/roller_rink_still_out_there.htm The problem with happy employees is that they are not afraid. An employee you can't scare is hardly worth what it costs to heat his extra small cubicle to a comfortable 62 degrees. http://thegiantnapkin.com/radcliffe_happy_employees.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radcliffe_happy_employees.htm Spinner, a 27-year-old freelance graphic designer, whose aggregate belongings are valued at approximately $1,900, said he wanted the peace of mind that comes with an insured living space. http://thegiantnapkin.com/studio_apartment_drastically.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/studio_apartment_drastically.htm The event, which will be held in the parking lot outside Roxbury Gentleman's Club at 3 a.m. Sunday morning before the All-Star game, will be feature contestants competing in judged categories of overall hostility, visible drunkenness and shots fired with intent. http://thegiantnapkin.com/nba_adds_gun_wielding.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/nba_adds_gun_wielding.htm To the surprise of Richard Vits, a 44-year-old accountant, he did not experience his usual flatulence prior to an early-morning urination just after 6 a.m. http://thegiantnapkin.com/mans_pre_urination.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/mans_pre_urination.htm In a reverent tribute to the late Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Youngstown State University freshman Matt Harlow honored the civil rights leader's achievements and legacy by adding an extra four hours of dreams to his day between 9 a.m. and 1 p.m. Monday. http://thegiantnapkin.com/mlk_day_celebrated.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/mlk_day_celebrated.htm An emplty tic-tac container is inexplicably filled with water. It's The Minute Or So Long News with Foster Pierce. http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_empty_tic_tac.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_empty_tic_tac.htm As the theft of credit card data and other personal information rose to record levels, privacy concerns over online shopping rose in 2007, a new secret online spyware study finds. http://thegiantnapkin.com/internet_privacy_concerns_rising.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/internet_privacy_concerns_rising.htm Latonis, a 32-year-old stock broker, sneakily slid his hands under the table at Frezzili's Restaurant and vigorously wiped the fork with his napkin. http://thegiantnapkin.com/shared_fork_surreptitiously.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/shared_fork_surreptitiously.htm Tomlinson, who has never let minor injuries keep him off the sidelines, said his healthiness could keep him in until late November, but added he hopes to be watching games in time for next season's playoffs. http://thegiantnapkin.com/ladainian_tomlinson_prepared.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/ladainian_tomlinson_prepared.htm Reynolds regularly donates one hour every Saturday to pick up a ladle and dip soup for the hungry. "I enjoy the work," added Reynolds, who is considering devoting more time to working his volunteering efforts into conversations with women. "It’s a great way to help the needy without actually touching them." http://thegiantnapkin.com/soup_kitchen_volunteer.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/soup_kitchen_volunteer.htm NAPKIN NEWS RADIO: A pretty man dons a warm, cozy scarf. It's The Minute Or So Long News with Foster Pierce http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_pretty_man_dons_warm.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radio_pretty_man_dons_warm.htm The two destitute men found great item after great item, sorting through the goods some really rich man probably threw away in order to make room for a swimming pool or something. http://thegiantnapkin.com/homeless_guys_cant.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/homeless_guys_cant.htm Lieber gives the Cubs a much-needed injury veteran, who should help younger pitchers learn the ins and outs of long-term muscle damage. He will join the Cubs' list of opening day disabled list candidates that includes Carlos Zambrano, Ted Lilly, Rich Hill, Jason Marquis, Ryan Dempster, Sean Marshall, Sean Gallagher and Kevin Hart. http://thegiantnapkin.com/cubs_acquire_pitcher.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/cubs_acquire_pitcher.htm A usually bumbling and offbeat sidekick revealed a plan to actual investigative hero Joe Blaze that might be so outrageous it will work. http://thegiantnapkin.com/goofy_sidekicks_plan.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/goofy_sidekicks_plan.htm Citing a serious craving for some breakfast food, drunk man Mark Hudlin announced to friends his desire to find a Denny's restaurant after leaving Mulligan's Pub in downtown Bloomington tonight. http://thegiantnapkin.com/drunk_friend_reveals_desire_to_l.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/drunk_friend_reveals_desire_to_l.htm In response to a countless number of requests, warnings and reprimands from parents and teachers, America's 10-year-olds are saying "Big deal." http://thegiantnapkin.com/big_deal_counter_nations.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/big_deal_counter_nations.htm The Putnam County 911 emergency system was overwhelmed by more than seven calls as the noisy sound of terror entered the city of Greencastle. Several residents called 911, and others were seen fleeing the city that is 48,092 on the Homeland Security terror target list. http://thegiantnapkin.com/suspected_terror_attack.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/suspected_terror_attack.htm "No matter who it is we are slated to beat Saturday, we're certainly not going to take the Colts, Jaguars or Chargers for granted," said Brady, who guesses it would be exciting to win the Super Bowl a fourth time. http://thegiantnapkin.com/patriots_not_looking_past.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/patriots_not_looking_past.htm See, all these other candidates are just imitating Obama by saying they are for change. Just like the way they all got onto Facebook after he did it. I bet John Edwards doesn't even know how to SuperWall someone. http://thegiantnapkin.com/sarahmorrison01102008.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/sarahmorrison01102008.htm For many unreturned troops, there are daily reminders of their time in Iraq. From walking the streets of Baghdad to procedurally detonating road mines, thousands of soldiers who have not returned home find the adjustment difficult. http://thegiantnapkin.com/USsoldiersstressdisorder.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/USsoldiersstressdisorder.htm Vietnam Air Flight 743 was just 50 miles north of Hanoi when the plane went down, killing American Todd Foster and 233 people of other nationalities. The cause of the crash that tragically took the life of the 34-year-old American father is still under investigation. http://thegiantnapkin.com/planecrashamerican.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/planecrashamerican.htm Despite the cutest little story about a hamster that turned somersaults scheduled to end the Channel 8 evening news broadcast, producers of at the Dallas television station decided to spend the last 30 seconds of the show's broadcast on some sort of suspected genocide in South America or somewhere. http://thegiantnapkin.com/Kenyahamster.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/Kenyahamster.htm From drunkenness to gluttony, congregants of the First Presbyterian Church in suburban Kansas City reported that Jackson deserves the credit for the remarkable fun enjoyed New Year's Eve. http://thegiantnapkin.com/sermononsin.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/sermononsin.htm "Heck, if I can get myself out of bed and to Wendy's by mid-afternoon, there may be a whole energetic side of me to explore," said the 29-year-old, who routinely sustains himself through a rotation of microwaveable items ranging from Hot Pockets to generic brand mozzarella sticks. http://thegiantnapkin.com/tripwendys.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/tripwendys.htm It's true. Nothing beats the delight of a weapons conflict with gentlemen whom I childishly engage in vociferous and ardent debate. I've executed game winning shots and purchased eight Bentleys, but show my entourage and me an assembly of like-minded men willing to engage in unwarranted gunplay and my blood really starts to pump. http://thegiantnapkin.com/tinsley12132007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/tinsley12132007.htm "I know my voice quivered when I got to the phrase 'he began to extricate the weapon,'" said Bates, a newscaster for more than seven years. "If that wasn't bad enough, I was positive I was going to cry with laughter when 'reportedly began running away with his victim still attached' came scrolling down the teleprompter." http://thegiantnapkin.com/newsanchorlaughing.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/newsanchorlaughing.htm "I went to the bathroom once. It could have been then," said Flowers, who guesses he should probably see what else is on. "I don't remember seeing the 'Did You Know' segment, but do they even still do that?" http://thegiantnapkin.com/areamansportscenter.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/areamansportscenter.htm Brady, who had already overcome an herbal shave cream deficit late in the first half of his morning preparation, stared his string of perfect appearances in the eyes as he was forced to rub a small amount of Aloe vera grooming cream with coconut oil and antioxidant properties into his palms. http://thegiantnapkin.com/tombradyperfect.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/tombradyperfect.htm William H. Macy has been named the "sexiest attainable man alive" by People magazine, an honor given annually to the most attractive celebrity with which an average person might have a chance. http://thegiantnapkin.com/attainableman.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/attainableman.htm Nearly 200 people gathered Tuesday evening at Gotham Hall to pay large sums of money that would benefit their disadvantaged egos and raise money for some kids that need something in another country. http://thegiantnapkin.com/benefitegos.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/benefitegos.htm The careless thieves admit they did not focus totally on the project as they were consumed by a melange of hilarious police chase clips on viral video website Youtube.com. http://thegiantnapkin.com/carelesshackers.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/carelesshackers.htm "I wonder how much help that gun that shoots foam arrows will be to Kyle when he needs to buy college textbooks in ten years," said Millsap's grandfather, referencing the year in which the U.S. government issued Patriot Bond will mature. http://thegiantnapkin.com/grandsonsavingsbond.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/grandsonsavingsbond.htm As stocks recovered from four days of losses, interest rates for T-bills fell to the lowest levels since August, revealing no one had any idea what T-bills are or why their interest rates matter. http://thegiantnapkin.com/tbillrates.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/tbillrates.htm After locating the words 'marriage' and 'children' with ease this morning, the accounts receivable specialist and mother of three spent 11 minutes searching desperately for the elusive 'dignity'. http://thegiantnapkin.com/dignitywordsearch.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/dignitywordsearch.htm "If I have to watch Missouri play West Virginia in a title game I might as well just move to Uruguay and start calling their game football," said Paige during Wednesday's episode of Around The Horn on ESPN2. http://thegiantnapkin.com/bcswoody.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/bcswoody.htm "It is a little surprising," said Peter Gammons, ESPN baseball analyst. "I know the Dodgers and Red Sox were prepared to offer him huge contracts, and I wonder if the Yankees will be able to come up with enough money to seriously compete with those offers." http://thegiantnapkin.com/arodcontract.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/arodcontract.htm An Exxon Mobil spokesperson said the company was unaware that Regal Stone Ltd., the company that owns the Cosco Busan, was routing a ship through the bay last Wednesday but will launch a full investigation into the navigational mishap and take full responsibility for any crew negligence. http://thegiantnapkin.com/exxonoilspill.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/exxonoilspill.htm Officer Ken Fowler regularly is at odds with older officers on the force. It could be his in-your-face style of dealing with conflict. Some say it is his propensity to use his firearm or his liberal use of force. One thing is for sure, though. Fowler is a brash, young cop, and those cops older and less brash just don't understand. http://thegiantnapkin.com/brashcop.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/brashcop.htm Referring to your inappropriate lane change, the enraged driver behind you announced that he would like to see you try that again. http://thegiantnapkin.com/tryagain.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/tryagain.htm With more than 30 percent of the Facebook community reporting an excited status by Thursday at 10 a.m., millions more are expected to make a status shift to excitement by Friday afternoon. Many experts are suggesting the swell in excitement could penetrate up to 70 percent of Facebook users by that time. http://thegiantnapkin.com/facebookweekend.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/facebookweekend.htm Following hours of heated debate, members of the U.S. Senate agreed Wednesday to schedule a special session in order to vote on legislation that will determine which Senator has rights to the one remaining fudge bar. http://thegiantnapkin.com/senatevote.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/senatevote.htm Space shuttle Discovery and its seven-member crew landed safely today after it logged 6.2 million imaginary miles during its harrowing 16-day pretend journey that began on Oct. 23 and included a procedure to fix a damaged "solar wing" on the make-believe International Space Station (ISS). http://thegiantnapkin.com/discoverylands.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/discoverylands.htm On Tuesday evening, the national Crayola-sponsored terror threat level was again raised to Mango Tango, signifying a high risk of terrorist attacks. http://thegiantnapkin.com/mangotango.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/mangotango.htm Can you believe I'm doing this? Clearly, there is no good reason for anyone to be shading his eyes right now. It's dark, and this is a wedding reception. But do you see what I"m doing? How extraordinarily ironic that I am wearing sunglasses now. I mean, who does this? http://thegiantnapkin.com/stellar11082007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/stellar11082007.htm The tub-like student has succeeded in the disciplines of math, geography, lunch and art. When it comes to dodgeball, however, Higgins has never eliminated another player or caught, deflected or eluded a ball thrown at his fleshy physique. http://thegiantnapkin.com/fatdodgeball.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/fatdodgeball.htm Charging past the Gon' Bananas Slippery Slide and the Jungle of Fun Treehouse, the former Applebee's assistant shift lead ardently broadcast the ball pit regulations to children within the netted walls for the fifth time of the day. http://thegiantnapkin.com/ballpitrules.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/ballpitrules.htm Expecting to see a wisecracking, well-groomed cook waiting to prepare her meal upon entering an area Steak N' Shake restaurant, Emma Miller was shocked to discover a scene that appeared exactly the opposite. http://thegiantnapkin.com/steaknshake.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/steaknshake.htm Fans at Atlanta Motor Speedway, many forced to momentarily pause their consumption of Keystone Light, could only widen their eyes and drop their lower lips Saturday http://thegiantnapkin.com/nascarfans.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/nascarfans.htm It's OK. Don't flatter yourself. Almost every girl can resist. You certainly would not be the first lady to not hit on me, and you certainly wouldn't be the last. http://thegiantnapkin.com/stellar11012007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/stellar11012007.htm Instead, 50 Cent says he was guaranteeing his CD sales would surpass that of folk singer Conway West's... http://thegiantnapkin.com/50west.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/50west.htm On Wednesday, two friends completed a journey many baseball purists only dream to one day embark upon by visiting every baseball steroids supplier in one season. A season they say was packed with memories and nostalgia they will forever cherish. http://thegiantnapkin.com/quest.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/quest.htm As reporters laughed, expecting to see sheepish grins emerge on the Indians' players' faces, they were shocked to see how committed to the prank the players showed. http://thegiantnapkin.com/bestrecord.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/bestrecord.htm A regretful O.J. Simpson stepped in front of reporters Tuesday and lamented from the bottom of his heart his decision to not murder the men he is now accused of robbing and kidnapping. http://thegiantnapkin.com/simpson.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/simpson.htm Children and parents attending Clint Braden’s seventh birthday party could only roll on the floor with laughter as each desperate, high-octave shout sent the clown further into absolutely hysterical respiratory failure. http://thegiantnapkin.com/squeakydeath.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/squeakydeath.htm As millions of American citizens took time off Monday to enjoy cookouts with family and candy at parades, thousands of illegal immigrants took to the streets of Washington, D.C. and demanded the United States institute an Illegal Labor Day to honor them. http://thegiantnapkin.com/illegallabor.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/illegallabor.htm I now urge others to join me so that men, women, and children will stop dying from my shotgun after inconsiderately walking across my perfectly manicured lawn. http://thegiantnapkin.com/fingerspoint09062007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/fingerspoint09062007.htm Officials in Kansas City are optimistically planning a Royals' fourth place celebration parade to take place at the conclusion of Major League Baseball's regular season. http://thegiantnapkin.com/royals.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/royals.htm Though the 28-year-old man spent $14 on failed tosses before his triumphant attempt at winning the fish, he now finds himself unsure about becoming a goldfish owner. http://thegiantnapkin.com/goldfish.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/goldfish.htm Everything seemed to be business as usual at a local heroin supplier, but on Tuesday it was discovered to be just a cover intended to hide a rampant underground shoe repair operation. http://thegiantnapkin.com/heroinshop.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/heroinshop.htm You know what? We've tried to bring down fuel prices in the past without success, but I think Friday's gas station boycott has what it takes to make oil companies realize they aren't being cool charging so much for gas. http://thegiantnapkin.com/wheatfield08302007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/wheatfield08302007.htm NEW YORK--The familiar faces of Fox Network's Sunday NFL pre-game show are well-prepared for another season of yelling at viewers before, during, and after Sunday football games. http://thegiantnapkin.com/foxnfl.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/foxnfl.htm Toyota has delivered on customer expectations by enlarging the chrome lettering spelling out 'Hybrid' and 'Low emissions' on the car's trunk. Every Prius will also come fully equipped with recycled tires and a windshield by Ray Ban. http://thegiantnapkin.com/newprius.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/newprius.htm Unfortunately for the 35-year-old loan officer, a bevy of meetings in the morning prevented him from sufficiently preparing for his live online draft. Now the beleaguered Michaels is sweating each pick. http://thegiantnapkin.com/fantasydraft.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/fantasydraft.htm Inmates of Jesup Federal Correctional Facility are eagerly anticipating the upcoming guilty plea from former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick. The Jesup facility is the most likely destination for Vick, assuming he does a prison term for federal dog fighting charges. http://thegiantnapkin.com/prison%20football.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/prison%20football.htm It didn't happen overnight. I think I must have been sprayed 25 or 30 times before even beginning to feel the effects less, but it's a liberating feeling knowing women can no longer cripple me with a mere canister of concentrated chili peppers. http://thegiantnapkin.com/lightdusting08232007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/lightdusting08232007.htm As a light rain moved into the greater Louisville area Wednesday afternoon, some guy in sales at Graber Medical Supplies moved to the office window to observe and give his approval of the precipitation. http://thegiantnapkin.com/someguy.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/someguy.htm Now, he says his passion for stalking women is more enjoyable and efficient than ever before thanks to accurate and easy-to-read directions from MapQuest, the popular maps and directions website. http://thegiantnapkin.com/mapqueststalker.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/mapqueststalker.htm Chicago White Sox closer Bobby Jenks set a major league record yesterday by recording his 41st consecutive obese inning. http://thegiantnapkin.com/bobbyjenks.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/bobbyjenks.htm Central Nebraska regional Doppler radar indicated today that National Weather Service (NWS) meteorologist Howard Kelly truly loves powerful thunderstorms capable of destroying property and claiming lives. http://thegiantnapkin.com/radarindicates.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radarindicates.htm Mays has admitted on numerous radio spots and even on signage around the small town that he is not a politician. http://thegiantnapkin.com/notpolitician.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/notpolitician.htm An editorial cartoon by Linda Boileau http://thegiantnapkin.com/trashday.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/trashday.htm Sexton says there is an order to the way things work in the world and it only makes sense that he would be getting offers his inferiors do not, like absolutely free $500 Macy's gift cards. http://thegiantnapkin.com/emailspam.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/emailspam.htm Most people, when asked, say they go to the bathroom before washing their hands. But a new study suggests many of them are not telling the truth. http://thegiantnapkin.com/userestroom.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/userestroom.htm In the moments after hitting his record-breaking 756th homerun, Barry Bonds took time to address the sold out crowd in San Francisco and thank himself for his incredible support and unconditional love during the turmoil of his homerun record pursuit. http://thegiantnapkin.com/barrybonds.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/barrybonds.htm Fremming estimates he has invited somewhere between 50 and 75 fellow MySpacers to become his friend, but has yet to receive one acceptance. http://thegiantnapkin.com/myspaceloser.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/myspaceloser.htm Schafer said it would be unreasonable to try to continue practicing her new skill set when back in classes because she will have to devote so much energy to concentrating on her studies, focusing on extra-curricular activities and making poor decisions at fraternity parties. http://thegiantnapkin.com/selfhelpbook.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/selfhelpbook.htm You should not feel bad according to Schnieder, who questions whether you could even fathom so many pixels and guesses you would not have the first clue for how to utilize such a piece of technology. http://thegiantnapkin.com/largemonitor.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/largemonitor.htm This week investigators searched Don King's home for evidence that might link him to human fighting. The search was based on an informant's claim that King had financially backed the training of humans for fighting and even promoted human fighting events to drive ticket sales and gambling revenue for the events. http://thegiantnapkin.com/donking.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/donking.htm A very annoying eight-year-old child completely ruined an absolutely hilarious Seinfeld rerun this Wednesday by going and getting himself abducted. http://thegiantnapkin.com/jerkkid.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/jerkkid.htm They think it's more convenient to simply throw away a stack of papers with the binder clip still attached! And that's fine if you want to start seeing a frenzy o' Frasier. http://thegiantnapkin.com/frasier08022007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/frasier08022007.htm WOOSTER, Ohio-Starbucks barista Amy Miller is on the verge of taking her writing to the next level and developing her fictional creations into a lucrative career, but just for now, she works at Starbucks. http://thegiantnapkin.com/starbucksbarista.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/starbucksbarista.htm "Then one day I just said 'I could go either way on this one,'" said Shepherd. "So I flipped a coin, and that was it. That really was a great day. Not for that guy that I sentenced to death, I'm sure. He probably would have preferred tails. But flipping that coin was just so easy I just kept doing it through the years." http://thegiantnapkin.com/veteranjudge.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/veteranjudge.htm "Sensible Putty will only copy money-saving coupons," said Binney and Smith vice president of marketing Todd Mayer. http://thegiantnapkin.com/sensibleputty.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/sensibleputty.htm BLUE RIDGE, Ky.-After repeated attempts to improve his son's coordination and athletic ability, Dan Crosby, 42, must face the fact that his son Kyle is really embarrassing when it comes to sports. http://thegiantnapkin.com/invisiblefriend.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/invisiblefriend.htm So for me, the Scion is the car that truly reflects my trendy lifestyle. Like me, it's semi-urban and fashionable, yet simple enough to not cause a fuss. Of course, like the Scion, I am totally customizable. http://thegiantnapkin.com/stellar07192007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/stellar07192007.htm WASHINGTON-The Sycamore and 11th ant colony could deploy a system to protect its homeland from child-based magnifying glass attacks within 14 months according to lobbying republicans. http://thegiantnapkin.com/magnifyingglass.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/magnifyingglass.htm WASHINGTON--U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, facing increasing scrutiny for his role in the firings of U.S. Attorneys under his watch, ostensibly for political reasons, says he is responsible, but "not responsible." http://thegiantnapkin.com/gonzales.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/gonzales.htm SACRAMENTO, Calif.--Channel 2 News announced last night that beginning next week, in an effort to be the region's number one source for weather, they will begin broadcasting a 5,000-day forecast nightly. http://thegiantnapkin.com/5000forecast.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/5000forecast.htm NEW YORK-Comedian Frank Caliendo this week demanded that some organization or entertainment network conduct a series of John Madden roasts so he can test several hours of material based solely on impersonating the well-known football coach and television analyst. http://thegiantnapkin.com/caliendo.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/caliendo.htm Bruce is my older brother, and he's a thirteen-year-old oaf. He's a genuine ogre, but sans the general charm and demeanor of the kinder ilk of enormous fictional creatures, like Shrek and Princess Fiona and Andre the Giant. http://thegiantnapkin.com/baxter07122007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/baxter07122007.htm MANILA, Philippines-Nike announced this week that it has eclipsed its revenue goals for it overseas operations by 15 percent for the second quarter, a feat they claim is largely due to underpaid and physically abused child employees. http://thegiantnapkin.com/nikechildlabor.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/nikechildlabor.htm GREENVILLE, S.C.-Several members of a group of Shriners performing in Greenville's Fourth of July parade lost control of their comically tiny vehicles, injuring 12 onlookers. An investigation after the wreck revealed the Shriners had a blood alcohol content of .11, over the state's legal limit of .08. http://thegiantnapkin.com/drunkshriners.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/drunkshriners.htm BOWLING GREEN, Penn.-Sensing neighbor Jim Thorton was embarking upon a mechanical task in his garage, three local neighbors made their way over to his yard to offer services as overseers. http://thegiantnapkin.com/tirerotation.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/tirerotation.htm PORTLAND, Ore.-Sensing his best years may be drawing to a close, Greg Oden is considering hanging up his sneakers for good and opting out of the last seven years of his contract with the Portland Trail Blazers. http://thegiantnapkin.com/agingoden.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/agingoden.htm So a couple of months before going to jail, Paris Hilton came through Chicago and was supposedly going to be hitting up Club Swift Extreme, and I was totally geared up for a shot at hooking up with like the hottest broad on the planet. I mean, have you seen the sex tape? You've seen the sex tape, right? http://thegiantnapkin.com/thunderstrikes07052007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/thunderstrikes07052007.htm BRUNSWICK, Ohio-Serial killer Raymond Miller used to spend between 10 and 12 hours torturing his victims, but with the purchase of a new Pressman 2980 drill press he says his torturing time has been cut in half, giving him more free time to pursue his other interests and dispose of critical evidence. http://thegiantnapkin.com/serialkiller.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/serialkiller.htm ST. LOUIS-With the Fourth of July approaching, officials in St. Louis are making their final preparations for an Independence Day exhibition of patriotic, awe-inspiring barge explosions. http://thegiantnapkin.com/bargeexplosions.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/bargeexplosions.htm CHATHAM, Minn.-Being coached from the sidelines by his father, little league participant Kyle Brickhalter raised both his elbow and his deep-seeded contempt for his dad during his first at-bat in Wednesday night's game at Jefferson Park. http://thegiantnapkin.com/littleleaguer.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/littleleaguer.htm LINCOLN, Neb.-An area kidnapper, unable to locate his duct tape moments after abducting a teenage girl, reached for nearby Post-It notes to bound his captive at the wrists. http://thegiantnapkin.com/postitnotes.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/postitnotes.htm ROCK HILL, Mo.-Earlier this week a Jefferson grade school student used his advanced mathematics skills to calculate his likelihood of being pummeled at the hands of larger, more popular children. Alex Mosley employed complex reasoning and social ratios to determine that he will almost certainly suffer a beating before month's end. http://thegiantnapkin.com/math genius.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/math genuis.htm When Judge McCaskill handed down his decision, however, it was the judge himself who had reason to celebrate. After much deliberation and loose interpretation of estate law, McCaskill awarded the entire $214 million fortune to himself in a decision expected to have a huge impact on the nation's judicial system. http://thegiantnapkin.com/judge estate.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/judge estate.htm SPRINGFIELD, Mass.-The governing body of small talk announced this week after its monthly meeting that all temperatures and weather phenomena will now be officially classified as 'crazy' under Article 38 of the Small Talk Council (STC) Polite Conversation Rules and Regulations. http://thegiantnapkin.com/small talk.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/small talk.htm CHICAGO-The Chicago Cubs are struggling to stay healthy and relying on young talent to stay alive in the National League's Central Division. That's why the team says it will continue taking the season one fight at a time and hope for the best when the playoffs roll around. http://thegiantnapkin.com/cubs fight.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/cubs fight.htm NEWARK, N.J.-Completely dishonest boyfriend Jake Mueller is incredibly pleased with his most recent deception of his long-time girlfriend Maggie Casner. While Mueller has lied to his Casner an estimated "millions of times," last weekend's fib will reportedly be one he always remembers. http://thegiantnapkin.com/boyfriendalibi.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/boyfriendalibi.htm NEW YORK-FORTUNE magazine has topped this year's list of "Best Companies to Work For" published by FORTUNE magazine. It is the first time FORTUNE has emerged as number one on the list of companies deemed the best for employees. http://thegiantnapkin.com/fortunemagazine.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/fortunemagazine.htm FORT WORTH, Texas-Radio Shack (NYSE: RSH), one of the nation's largest consumer electronics retailers, has confirmed that your father will be extremely angry and spiteful if you do not get him the latest Motorola Razr cell phone. http://thegiantnapkin.com/radioshack.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/radioshack.htm CLEVELAND-While Tuesday's NBA finals' third game went down as victory and a 3-0 lead for the San Antonio Spurs on paper, the Cavaliers' players and their fans can only see their overwhelming moral victories. http://thegiantnapkin.com/cavaliers.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/cavaliers.htm PHILIDELPHIA-Friends may come and go. Work might be tedious. Romance may never happen, but one local office technology manager is living his life for those reasons. He is happy as long as he has these five words: Pour some sugar on me. http://thegiantnapkin.com/ITmanager.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/ITmanager.htm DOVER, Del.-A poetry reading in downtown Dover Tuesday evening featured Alexis Garber's debut reading of her latest poem, The Smiling Rainstorm of the Frown. http://thegiantnapkin.com/poetryreading.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/poetryreading.htm SCHAUMBURG, Ill.-Although rain is a common occurance in Illinois, the majority of a suburban Chicago office's staff have clearly not previously see the phenomenon. As a strong rain shower settled in over the greater Chicagoland area, more than 80 percent of office personnel at Misumi, Inc. congregated at windows and doors to view the never-before-seen precipitation. http://thegiantnapkin.com/office rain.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/office rain.htm NEW YORK-In the face of public opposition, the Women's National Basketball Association will be returning this summer for its 10th season. Many have called for the league's abolition in its last 10 years saying the pain of viewing a game is too traumatic. http://thegiantnapkin.com/WNBA.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/WNBA.htm Listen mother. I know this will cut into your usual schedule of telecommunications chitchat and foodstuff preparation, but I believe it's high time we revisit the hour which has been so ruthlessly been denoted as my bedtime. http://thegiantnapkin.com/baxter06072007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/baxter06072007.htm CHARLESTON, Ill.-Eastern Illinois University's candlelight vigil committee is completely prepared to spring into action and anxiously awaits some form of horrific tragedy. Created shortly after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, the Vigil Panthers group was formed to bring students together in a sense of community following both national and local tragedies. http://thegiantnapkin.com/candlelightvigil.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/candlelightvigil.htm ST. LOUIS-Mentally disturbed and dangerously violent Charter Communications cable technician Joe Lynch is expected to arrive at his scheduled killing between the hours of 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. today. http://thegiantnapkin.com/cabletechnician.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/cabletechnician.htm PLEASANT HILLS, N.J.-An awkward and unattractive man was stopped while attempting to enter a GAP store at the River West Mall on Wednesday. http://thegiantnapkin.com/losergap.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/losergap.htm COLUMBUS, Ohio-Future NBA superstar and likely number one draft pick Greg Oden says he hopes the Portland Trail Blazers, his most likely new team, will be as generous as Ohio State University sports boosters when it comes to his salary. http://thegiantnapkin.com/gregoden.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/gregoden.htm Under Google's proposed plan, the company would begin handing out 'Google Bucks' on Google.com in mid-July via PDF files anyone can print out. Anyone would be able to access and use the currency, but there will be additional benefits to those who go through the free registration process. http://thegiantnapkin.com/googlebucks.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/googlebucks.htm BEAVER CREEK, Colo.-An area SIMS family of four was found dead this morning in their suburban Denver home from carbon monoxide. http://thegiantnapkin.com/simsfamily.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/simsfamily.htm DES MOINES, Iowa-An unattractive 24-year-old woman reported this week that she just is not interested in having a romantic interest at this point in her life. http://thegiantnapkin.com/uglywoman.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/uglywoman.htm TRENTON, N.J.-Roger Clemens has heroicly vaulted the previously struggling Yankees in first place with his two minor league outings. The Yankees were 10 games back in the standings from the rival Red Sox before Clemens' first minor league start last Friday. http://thegiantnapkin.com/rogerclemens.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/rogerclemens.htm As you can probably tell, my handshake is unnecessarily strong, and that should clearly indicate just how much I'll annoy you during our next few minutes together. http://thegiantnapkin.com/stellar05242007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/stellar05242007.htm ALBANY, N.Y.--A particularly destructive jet stream severed the finger of a local on-air weather personality Wednesday during a CBS affiliate news program. Moments after Channel 6 Action News broadcast, weatherman Ted Stranton and his iced right index finger were rushed to Mercy Hospital, where the pointer was reattached. http://thegiantnapkin.com/weathermanfinger.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/weathermanfinger.htm BEDFORD, Ind.--An area high school student looking for a drug-induced high slipped into the Bedford High School math lab by mistake on Tuesday. All Todd Hobson wanted was to tiptoe into and out of a room he thought contained a methamphetamine lab without being noticed. http://thegiantnapkin.com/mathlab.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/mathlab.htm CHATTANOOGA, Tenn.--A Tennessee man expressed disapproval of all global warming research this week after two somewhat abnormally cool days. Frank Nance, 57, has no formal training in the environmental sciences but is confident he knows "just as much, if not more than all those [scientists]." http://thegiantnapkin.com/globalwarming.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/globalwarming.htm Many of you have written in and expressed concern over all these tornadoes and wildfires, wondering if you will fall victim to one or the other. Well, let me tell you there is no reason to worry because tornadoes and wildfires are going to kill us all soon, and there is no use in worrying because you can't do anything about it. http://thegiantnapkin.com/monroe05172007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/monroe05172007.htm CHICAGO--After nearly three quarters of play at tonight's NBA playoff game between the Chicago Bulls and Detroit Pistons, you have to believe that the guys behind you must be some kind of basketball experts or something. http://thegiantnapkin.com/guysexperts.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/guysexperts.htm STANTON, Mo.-A young ranger at Meramec Caverns incorrectly identified stalagmites as stalactites this week to a group of 78 tourists he was leading through the caves. Phil Garret, 22, realized his nervous energy had caused the gaffe. http://thegiantnapkin.com/stalagmites.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/stalagmites.htm FREDERICK, Maryland -- Local merchant Bill Hapton blames expenses for his small retail shop's failure. Hapton, 46, opened his small novelty store on Main Street last June but has faced nothing but hard times since. Now, after his 14th consecutive month without profit, Hapton is forced to give up on his dream. http://thegiantnapkin.com/shopkeeper.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/shopkeeper.htm Over the weekend I went to a local racetrack to partake in Kentucky Derby festivities. My friend Vanessa was in town, and she really wanted to go to the racetrack to watch the big event. That was fine because I get caught up in all the hype of it, too. It's a very traditional horse race, which displays the beauty and strength of the equine, shows us high society milling about in the sweet Kentucky air, and provides me the chance to turn $330 into $0. http://thegiantnapkin.com/john.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/john.htm BLOOMINGTON, Ind. -- A waitress inquiry moments ago at Jimmy's Steakhouse revealed that a couple was still working on that. http://thegiantnapkin.com/patrons.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/patrons.htm BRISTOL, Conn.--ESPN personality Stuart Scott has struggled the past six years to find an heir to his signature exclamation, 'booyah'. The 41-year-old SportsCenter anchor popularized the slang in 2000 after a string of sports-casting gems. http://thegiantnapkin.com/booyah.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/booyah.htm SCHAUMBURG, Ill.-Alex Carlson's hourly job as a bookseller at Borders Books and Music provides her entire income and sense of self worth. However, she frequently complains of too many customers and poor management. http://thegiantnapkin.com/borders.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/borders.htm LOS ANGELES-Bernie Lomax remained surprisingly lifelike over the span of two "Weekend at Bernie's" movies. However, in the soon to be released "Weekend at Bernie's 3," Lomax finally shows signs of severe body decay. http://thegiantnapkin.com/bernies.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/bernies.htm ANCHORAGE-A report published by the University of Anchorage this week proves Eskimos exist only in the form tasty ice cream treats. http://thegiantnapkin.com/eskimos.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/eskimos.htm NEW YORK-The always delicate relationship between the Gatorade jug and professional baseball's pitchers reached a boiling point again Monday evening after a two-inning, eight-run pitching debacle by New York Yankees starting pitcher Andy Pettitte. http://thegiantnapkin.com/gatoradejug.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/gatoradejug.htm MESA, Ariz.-Chicago Cubs pitchers are spending extra hours this spring working on new injuries and meticulously perfecting old ones. So far, most pitchers have reported debilitating injuries or at least a moderate amount of pain. http://thegiantnapkin.com/cubspitchers.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/cubspitchers.htm CLAY CITY, Ky.--A grandmother of seven in rural Kentucky is knocking on the door of absolute fulfillment. Two porcelain cats are all that stand in her way of that euphoric realization. Selma Morton's passion for more than 15 years has been porcelain cats from the collectors' series Cats Me If You Can. http://thegiantnapkin.com/grandmothercats.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/grandmothercats.htm PADUCAH, Ky.--When Dippin' Dots burst on the scene ahead of its time in 1995, the exciting new frozen treat labeled itself the "ice cream of the future." More than a decade later, Dippin' Dots is reiterating that its cutting edge frozen offering will become the true future of the ice cream consuming public, and that "future is very close now." http://thegiantnapkin.com/dippindots.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/dippindots.htm Never, under any circumstances, should a human being wear a fanny pack (a.k.a. "Hip Pouch" a.k.a. "Kangaroo Pocket" a.k.a. "Visual Vomit"). These little synthetic nylon nightmares hang limply under the baby fat of married, middle-aged women touting their little monster children around a Six Flags http://thegiantnapkin.com/montpierre03222007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/montpierre03222007.htm DENVER--A Burger King cashier harshly scolded a Blanton Systems vice-president during Wednesday's lunch hour. When Alex Stapleton, 52, went around seven other customers in line to inquire about his missing onion rings, hourly Burger King employee Tom Messner adamantly and unsympathetically demanded the VP of marketing wait his turn in line. http://thegiantnapkin.com/burgerking.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/burgerking.htm LEXINGTON, Ky.--Stacy Limone repeatedly informed her seven-year-old daughter Trisha that this was not the time or the place to be doing that. However, Trisha remained undeterred Saturday at a local Dominick's grocery store. The misbehavior led the 34-year-old mother to turn to her trusted disciplinary method of counting. http://thegiantnapkin.com/motherscount.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/motherscount.htm ST. PAUL, Minn.--A local partygoer continually repeated his original guess during a game of charades despite being signaled his answer was incorrect. Donald Thornton incorrectly guessed the 1993 Tom Cruise movie 'The Firm' during a charades presentation by his wife Annette at a friend's home Sunday. Though Mrs. Thornton shook her head disagreeably, the 42-year-old lawyer repeated his answer somewhere between 12 and 16 more times according to witnesses. http://thegiantnapkin.com/charades.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/charades.htm FISHERS, Ind.--For 19 seasons Bill Arkoff has officiated the action on basketball courts from grade schools to the Indiana high school state tournament. He says the secret to a long and successful career as a hoops referee is having a consistent whistle and harboring extreme grudges against coaches, players or entire communities. http://thegiantnapkin.com/basketballref.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/basketballref.htm So I had been seeing this girl for a couple weeks, and she was hella great. Fabulous sense of fashion, always wore low-cut shirts that showed off her Lik-Em-Ades with fervor, and a low self-esteem coupled with an ambiguous sexual past that got me more tail than a taxidermist, you feel me? http://thegiantnapkin.com/thunderstrikes03152007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/thunderstrikes03152007.htm WASHINGTON--President George Bush only wants to attack the Middle East and assemble forces along the U.S./Mexico border when he plays the classic board game Risk. Although the president has been an avid fan of the game for years, staffers point to his complete misunderstanding of the rules as one of his major downfalls. http://thegiantnapkin.com/bushrisk.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/bushrisk.htm LUBBOCK, Tex.--Nickelback lead singer Chad Kroeger could only elicit responses of 'whoooooo' to each question posed to a crowd of more than 10,000 fans Saturday at the sold out United Spirit Arena. Despite the rocker's meaningful questions, the raucous mob only offered raised fists and loud screams as answers. http://thegiantnapkin.com/concertcrowd.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/concertcrowd.htm Scottsdale, Ariz.--An addict of the pre-installed computer game Minesweeper completely lost it this week while attempting to use the digits six through nine on his cellular phone. "That's not possible," shouted a frazzled Matt Grover, 27. http://thegiantnapkin.com/minesweeper.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/minesweeper.htm INDIANAPOLIS--The selection committee responsible for choosing and seeding teams for the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament has decided no team deserves a top seed in the brackets this year. The decision came after hours of deliberation by committee members on Wednesday. http://thegiantnapkin.com/ncaaseeds.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/ncaaseeds.htm You've seen me report on the many murders and violent crimes each night on the Channel 7 Action News, and you will likely be the victim of a violent crime in the very near future as well. Most of you probably realize this and can see the message written in blood on the wall. http://thegiantnapkin.com/monroe03082007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/monroe03082007.htm LINCOLN, Neb.--A disabled high school senior was voted Most Changed since Junior High by his fellow classmates in this week's yearbook voting. http://thegiantnapkin.com/mostchanged.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/mostchanged.htm FLIPPIN, Ark.--A local woman had reason to celebrate during Monday evening's news broadcast when she saw each of her six lottery numbers revealed in sequence. Linda Hettington had just won the lottery. http://thegiantnapkin.com/lotterywinner.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/lotterywinner.htm BOISE, Idaho--Most American's think a vast mountainous area in the Northwest known as Montana has no human inhabitants. That's not the case according to new research out of Boise State University. http://thegiantnapkin.com/montana.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/montana.htm HOUSTON--New Astros slugger Carlos Lee will begin a 7-year contract in 2007, making him the foundation of a recently struggling Astros offense. Lee, however, isn't interested in talking about living every boy's dream or the chance to play for a contender. He tells reporters he is just happy to make 100 million dollars. http://thegiantnapkin.com/newastro.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/newastro.htm Well? Did you? Usually I'm not one to go around pointing out things like this. After all, I don't shout from the rooftops that I'm the most revered online hearts player in the nation or that I can name every NASCAR crew member in less than a minute. However, I feel that I simply must draw your...nay, everyone's attention to the magnificent parking display I just put on. http://thegiantnapkin.com/lightdusting03012007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/lightdusting03012007.htm BOSTON--A local mime is completely unaware the invisible box that once confined him is no longer there. The see-through container has been gone for nearly 15 minutes, but the 38-year-old street performer Jerry Vickers continues to sit dejectedly on a Washington Avenue sidewalk. http://thegiantnapkin.com/mimeunaware.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/mimeunaware.htm Casper, Wy.--The contingent of popular students at Lincoln Memorial High School suspects that enormous loser Fritz Mason knows about Friday's party. http://thegiantnapkin.com/coolkids.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/coolkids.htm MT. PROSPECT, Illinois--A high school student hoping to elevate his score on the Scholastic Assessment Test (SAT) opted to use the prohibited High Scorer number seven pencil and scored a whopping 26,000. http://thegiantnapkin.com/sevenpencil.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/sevenpencil.htm MIAMI--Some said it was the most dominant slam dunk they have ever seen. Spectators at Wednesday night's game between Miami and Houston were awed by the sheer authority displayed when Shaquille O'Neal knifed through the defense using six pivot feet to perform the most powerful dunk ever. http://thegiantnapkin.com/shaqslam.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/shaqslam.htm We need to talk. I don't think this relationship is working. It's your complete lack of knowledge regarding cars. It's really hurting my overall impression of you. At first, I thought you were the kind of guy I could hang with, but now I see the writing on the oil change sticker. http://thegiantnapkin.com/lightdusting02222007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/lightdusting02222007.htm LAS VEGAS - Former NBA superstar Michael Jordan will act as a judge at this year's NBA Sprite Slam Dunk Contest in-between blackjack hands this weekend in Las Vegas. Harrah's Casino will supply Jordan with a personal gaming table, dealer and cocktail waitress. Although he will be focused on his gambling passion, Jordan has agreed to occasionally glance up and judge the dunks performed by this year's four contestants. http://thegiantnapkin.com/jordanblackjack.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/jordanblackjack.htm What's up, man? I know you're into good music. You should totally come check my band out this weekend. It would be a perfect show for your first look at us, too. We're going to be playing a lot of our classic stuff, but we're going to put in brand new songs that have a really forward sound. http://thegiantnapkin.com/wheatfield02152007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/wheatfield02152007.htm CHICAGO -- An effort by Chicago's homeless population to raise awareness of what they feel is an unfair public urination law has turned very few heads. The law under fire prohibits public urination. This past week the Homeless Association of Greater Chicago (HAGC) went on strike. Despite efforts, the city's residents have taken little notice to the street dwellers' initiative. The reason may very well be that the strike has not changed the daily routine of homeless individuals. http://thegiantnapkin.com/homeless.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/homeless.htm DETROIT -- For the third time this month, a rap music fan believed that sirens heard while driving his 1998 Cavalier were part of his rap collection. As an ambulance from nearby Mercy Hospital approached from the rear, Todd Costler, 23, of Grand Rapids, continued driving, impeding the emergency vehicle's progress. The rap aficionado assumed the noise to be an integral component of Ol' Dirty Bastard's latest work, which was playing over the car's custom sound system. http://thegiantnapkin.com/rapfan.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/rapfan.htm DES PLAINES, Ill.-A commuting systems analyst just leaned over a Metra train station platform for the 17th time in six minutes. Area resident John Wilkerson is hoping the train will be in sight soon. After first leaning over to peer down the track at 10:31 AM, he has since continued the effort at a rate of 2.83 leans per minute (LPM). http://thegiantnapkin.com/commuterleans.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/commuterleans.htm Viewers tuning in to daytime talk show 'The View' Wednesday morning were greeted by only two of its usual four co-hosts after host Rosie O'Donnell apparently devoured Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck hours before the show. http://thegiantnapkin.com/rosieconsumes.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/rosieconsumes.htm DURHAM, N.C.-The North Carolina Tar Heels defeated the Duke Blue Devils to win college basketball's National Championship in a nationally televised game on ESPN Wednesday night. Facing a five point halftime deficit, the Tar Heels outscored their opponent by 11 in the second half to take home the title. http://thegiantnapkin.com/uncchamps.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/uncchamps.htm So last night I'm at Club Waterfire, carrying a gin/tonic with a twist and this girly Midori martini for some big-chested broad I had been dancing with, when some jag in a crappy shirt he probably bought in a Maurice's at some outlet mall somewhere bumps into me. Well, my G/T Twist gets knocked loose from my hand and it spills all over Thunder's shoes. Yes, the Gucci sneaks I just spent $350 dollars for. http://thegiantnapkin.com/thunderstrikes02082007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/thunderstrikes02082007.htm Terre Haute, Ind. - A couple waiting to be seated at an Olive Garden restaurant is not sure their assigned vibrating buzzer is working. Since receiving the pager from the restaurant's hostess more than 25 minutes ago, Jim Stapleton and Cindy Crafton have spent the last nine minutes wondering if the buzzer is broken. http://thegiantnapkin.com/couplebuzzer.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/couplebuzzer.htm CAPE HENRY, Va.--Al Gore and a team of recruits began sandbagging along America's coastlines this week in preparation for the rise in ocean levels resulting from global warming. http://thegiantnapkin.com/goresandbag.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/goresandbag.htm MIAMI--Many experts are looking to quarterbacks Peyton Manning and Rex Grossman as the key factors in Sunday's big game, but John Madden maintains the Super Bowl will be won or lost on the play of Packers quarterback Brett Favre. http://thegiantnapkin.com/maddenfavre.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/maddenfavre.htm CANTON, Mass.,--In the wake of recent corporate scandals, many executives of top companies have begun to speak out against illegal and unethical practices they have witnessed. Now add Baskin-Robbins to that ever-growing list. http://thegiantnapkin.com/baskinrobbins.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/baskinrobbins.htm FREDERICK, Md.--A downtown Frederick furniture store owner is quite delighted to be going out of business. Ray's Furniture, a downtown institution for seven years, has decided to close its doors. http://thegiantnapkin.com/furniturestore.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/furniturestore.htm It's true. Not enough people have appreciated the uncompromising cleverness resting on my torso today. It's not as though I have one of those stupid shirts that you always see. http://thegiantnapkin.com/fingerspoint02012007.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/fingerspoint02012007.htm SEOUL--Phoenix Foundation operative Angus MacGyver disarmed North Korea's entire nuclear arsenal in a covert operation Wednesday. Armed with a bobby pin and a bunny slipper, the brave secret agent tiptoed undetected into four separate weapons sites to pull off the spectacular mission. http://thegiantnapkin.com/macgyver.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/macgyver.htm JOLIET,Ill.--Faced with an aggressive grease fire on his stove, Gary Moore remembered advice from his high school debate team coach: Fight fire with fire. Without a moment's hesitation, the 32-year-old reached for the model F-560 FireMaster flame thrower he keeps under the kitchen sink. http://thegiantnapkin.com/fightsfire.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/fightsfire.htm ANN ARBOR, Mich.--Domino's Pizza (NYSE: DPZ), the recognized world leader in pizza delivery, is delivering everyone's ultimate dream come true: the Taco Salad Italian Cheeseburger Stuffed Crust Xtreme Pizza. http://thegiantnapkin.com/dominoslaunch.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/dominoslaunch.htm Now, I know what you're thinking. 'How could he possibly focus on writing his typically hard-hitting column while distracted by some box full of felines?' But the kittens in that box haven't been making noise for a while, and I question whether or not I should check it out. http://thegiantnapkin.com/fingersmadison.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/fingersmadison.htm CHICAGO--A local teen has found mad libs to be very green and hilarious. Billy Frahmann, 14, Chicago, never knew the fun he could have with mad libs until he was farted to them just over one week ago. Billy says his doorknob has been improved. http://thegiantnapkin.com/madlibs.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/madlibs.htm MORRIS, Ill.--A rural Illinois cow longs for grass that doesn't taste so much like grass. The disgruntled cow placed her complaint about the common herb's unpleasant taste in the farm's suggestion box more than one year ago. http://thegiantnapkin.com/cowwishes.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/cowwishes.htm BARRINGTON, Ill.--Thanks for stopping by the Blanton Systems booth at the Illinois Small College Placement Association Career Fair Thursday. Though the company is not currently hiring for systems analyst trainees, they will keep your resume on file. http://thegiantnapkin.com/nothiring.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/nothiring.htm NEW YORK--New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress franticly pleaded with officials for a pass interference call prior to a snap in the first quarter of Sunday's game. Anticipating Cowboys safety Roy Williams would be impeding his effort to catch a forthcoming pass, the seven-year veteran lined up before the play and shouted and motioned officials to throw penalty flags. http://thegiantnapkin.com/wrplea.htm http://thegiantnapkin.com/wrplea.htm