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NEWBERG, Ore.—In an announcement that came as a shock to his classmates this week, portly seventh grade student Brent Higgins said that despite his history of physical education failures, he could win a game of dodgeball if he really wanted to.

“Dodgeball is a dumb game, but I could win if I actually tried,” said a visibly rotund Higgins, who prefers the gym class activity of free day. “I always get out first on purpose because it’s not any fun.”

Dodgeball is routinely played three days a week during physical education classes at Chehalem Valley Middle School, where Higgins has attended since 2006. During his time at Chehalem Valley, the tub-like student has succeeded in the disciplines of math, geography, lunch and art. When it comes to dodgeball, however, Higgins has never eliminated another player or caught, deflected or eluded a ball thrown at his fleshy physique.

Despite all of that, Higgins said he has been capable of dodgeball victory all along but too indifferent to actually try. His fellow students were stunned at the news, many still feeling the chubby classmate is incapable of winning regardless his amount of effort.

“It seems like he’s been trying,” said classmate Brian Latham. “but we throw the ball at his ankles, and he can’t catch it there.” According the Latham, a frequent dodgeball victor, when Higgins bends over he only is able to reach the flabby area where his knees would be, making him easy prey for accurate throwers.

Whether the corpulent 12-year-old is giving his best effort or not, any player that begins a game with a ball usually takes aim at Higgins first.

“It’s hard to miss him,” said Julie Miller, who has eliminated Higgins from dodgeball games numerous times. “Plus it’s funny when the teacher has to tell him he’s out because he couldn’t feel the ball hit him through the layers of jiggling flab.”

Higgins added that he also might be tremendously competitive at basketball, badminton, soccer, sprinting, and pickleball if the other kids in his class were not such dorks.

“That’s why I like free days,” said Higgins, who will typically sit off to the side and fidget with his shorts during such periods. “That way I don’t have to play any of those pointless games or hang around all those idiots.”

Higgins admitted that while he definitely could win a dodgeball battle, he likely will continue to have no interest in doing so. However, he did say if other children in the class continue to disrespect his athletic ability, he may be forced to threaten physical force against them or buy an extra brownie at lunch.